Why Resentment Builds

Elizabeth Fedrick
May 08, 2024

Tips from Dr. Liz

Resentment is the feeling of being mistreated…

But unlike a typical situation of conflict or hurt feelings…

Resentments often build when these behaviors happen repeatedly, when there is a lack of ownership and accountability, and when there are struggles with forgiveness and moving forward.

Forgiveness is such a crucial part of a thriving relationship because being in a romantic relationship is essentially the coming together of two imperfect humans who are trying to navigate through really difficult and complex aspects of life without a roadmap to do so.

Thus, mistakes and conflict are an inevitable part of any relationship, but where many couples go wrong is by not taking appropriate ownership and accountability for their roles in this conflict… Including making the necessary behavior changes to stop repeating the same hurtful behaviors.

When the same “mistake” happens over and over… and instead of changing it, that person tries to justify it or make excuses for it… it gets really hard to continue to be understanding of this behavior.

Resentment builds when…

There are not mutual efforts put into improving the relationship.
We don’t feel valued, appreciated, or prioritized.
Apologies are made repeatedly, but the same behavior keeps happening.
There is not ownership nor accountability when someone messes up.
There are repeated broken promises and commitments are not kept.
Responsibilities, tasks, and overall labor is not equally shared.
Needs & wants are continuously rejected, dismissed, or invalidated.
Actions consistently do not align with words.
Traumas, fears, and insecurities are used against each other.
We feel rejected and abandoned when things get hard.
There are prolonged periods of disconnection & lack of intimacy.
We feel criticized and attacked… and can’t ever seem to get it right.
There is not grace nor forgiveness when mess-ups inevitably do occur.

Lack of ownership often creates a divide that is hard to repair when one or both partners aren’t willing to look inward at their role in the conflict or disconnection.

It is pretty expected that we are all going to have times when we behave in ways that are hurtful, immature, and overall not great… but when these behaviors happen repeatedly without ownership or clear attempts at change… resentments become a real threat to a relationship.

Expert Spotlight

Dr. Diane Strachowski is a relationship expert and licensed psychologist with an Ed.D in Counseling Psychology, who has helped thousands of women find love. Her work combines her education from Stanford University and her own personal experiences to help discover the path to successful relationships.

Fun Facts:

I’m a big cyclist & have never found a mountain I didn’t want to climb.
I prefer active vacations to sitting on the beach, think skiing, repelling, zip lining, etc.!
My hidden talent is finding yummy foods and recreating them in my own kitchen.

Relatable | Relationships Unfiltered Episode 54

Dr. Liz hangs out with Dr. Diane Strachowski, Licensed Psychologist, to chat all about betrayal in relationships. Dr. Liz and Dr. Diane discuss the various ways that betrayal takes place in relationships, including but not limited to, infidelity. They explore the impact of betrayal on our mental health and wellbeing, as well as on our beliefs about relationships. Dr. Liz and Dr. Diane share openly about their own experiences with being betrayed and how they worked through these experiences. They also provide multiple tangible tips to help process the pain and grief of being betrayed by someone you allowed yourself to trust.