Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick's Weekly Newsletter

Author

Elizabeth Fedrick
January 24, 2024

Tips from Dr. Liz

5 Ways to Show Someone You CHOOSE Them

There is a profound difference between “wanting” someone… and actually “choosing” someone.

Our relationships, and thus our partners, are often one of the first things to be put on the backburner when we feel busy, distracted, or overwhelmed.

And while this is understandable at times, making a habit out of it, is actually really destructive to the safety and well- being of our relationships.

The top five ways to show someone that you choose them:

  1. You show up with actions, not just words!

  2. You engage in regular and consistent healing and personal improvement (for yourself, but also because you desire to show up as a better partner).

  3. You can accept feedback and desire to understand their needs, wants, and boundaries.

  4. You don’t use your attachment style, trauma, relationship history, personality, etc. as an excuse or justification when you inevitably do mess up or don’t get something right (instead you take ownership and try to do better next time).

  5. You make sure they know it is an honor and a privilege to be their partner (not a burden or an inconvenience).

So many of us do not have a template to understand what it feels like to be chosen.

So, instead, we continue to take the breadcrumbs that are tossed our way… Yet, deeply knowing, this kind of “love” doesn’t feel safe, secure, or fulfilling.

But the only way to create a template or a road map for something new is by taking a different path and trying something out of our norm.

Start seeking out the knowledge and resources needed to show up better in your relationship… and then practice showing your partner that not only do you want them, but you also CHOOSE them!

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

We already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle.

Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

  • Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back

  • Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

  • Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

Attached guides listeners in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

Relatable | Relationships Unfiltered Episode 59

Dr. Liz hangs out with Todd Baratz, Certified Sex Therapist, to chat all about the things we should STOP normalizing in our relationships. Dr. Liz and Todd explore a bunch of the current trends and buzzwords circulating all over social media… and work together to debunk the societal misconceptions associated with these trends. Dr. Liz and Todd also dig into the concept of “self-love” and talk about why neither of them subscribes to this trend. You won’t want to miss this very relatable episode all about normalizing your healing journey!